


Talk It Out

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Self-Blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:07:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Steve and Bucky suffer silently in their own ways until they realize all they needed to do was talk
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 43





	Talk It Out

Steve stood at the edge of the bed watching Bucky sleep. He was quiet now, curled in on himself, just like he always did after a particularly bad nightmare. Steve always had a hard time going back to sleep after one of Bucky’s nightmares.

It didn’t matter if Bucky had woke up screaming, covered in sweat or if had been quiet whimpering and crying for a while. Either way, Steve’s touch always seemed to help.

He held him when he woke up screaming, letting Bucky cry against his neck until he excused himself to go clean up. Steve on those nights would change the sweat-drenched sheets before crawling back into bed waiting for Bucky to come back to bed. When he did he barely looked at Steve, he just crawled back into bed, making himself as small as possible.

When it was crying and whimpering, Steve rolled over holding Bucky close until he stilled. Those times Bucky stayed in Steve’s arms but only because he wasn’t aware Steve suspected.

Tonight had been a bad one, and Steve wanted nothing more than to be in that bed holding Bucky close. He couldn’t though. For some reason, Bucky needed to be alone after those and even if it hurt Steve worse than he’d ever confess, he walked away. He couldn’t be this close to Bucky without really being close.

Steve quietly closed the door to their shared room, walking across the living area and onto the balcony. Steve took a deep breath, letting the cool air into his lungs. He smiled a sad smile when he felt the sting, knowing that a century ago the sting would have been stabbing pain. Still, sometimes Steve longed for that time. Everything had been simpler than when all he had to worry about was finding the money for his medicine and holding Bucky’s hand without anyone noticing. 

Steve hadn’t realized it then, but he had been happy. Even if he was constantly picking fights and trying to change the world for the better. It had needed it. It still did, but sometimes he wondered if all of it had been worth it.

If Steve hadn’t insisted on leading a team to take out HYDRA and the Nazis Bucky would have gone home. Bucky hated the war. He fought it because he felt like he had too and he stayed because he wouldn’t leave Steve behind. If Steve hadn’t asked him, he would never have been on the train that day. He would never have fallen, been tortured and brainwashed. Every nightmare Bucky suffered was Steve’s fault. It was no wonder Bucky wouldn’t let him hold him after one of those, Steve thought as he stared out over the city.

He was so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t heard Bucky get out of bed, wrap a sheet around his body before padding across the living space to lean against the doorway to the balcony.

“You keep carrying all this on your shoulders it’s going to screw up your posture,” Bucky’s voice sounded behind him, making Steve jump slightly. Bucky chuckled as he walked up behind Steve, wrapping himself and the sheet around him.

“It comes with the job,” Steve tried to lie but regretted the moment he felt Bucky stiffen behind him.

“Job? Is that what we are to you?” Bucky asked, starting to pull back, but Steve quickly spun around, holding him close.

“God no. Buck. I was trying… I was trying to make you think I was worrying about something else,” Steve confessed and Bucky frowned, running his hands calmingly over Steve’s back.

“Why?” Bucky asked, letting Steve pull back just enough that they could look each other in the eye.

“You suffered enough because of me. You don’t have to worry about my overthinking things too,” Steve muttered and Bucky instantly cupped his face.

“None of what happened to me is your fault. You found me. You brought me back,” Bucky tried to reason with his boyfriend.

“70 years after I should have… Bucky I should have searched for you then at least,” Steve began to tear up, as he looked into those loving blue eyes of Bucky’s.

“Stevie… You couldn’t have known. Neither of us could have,” Bucky reasoned. “Steve please, come back to bed.”

Steve sighed leaning into Bucky’s embrace, closing his eyes enjoying the closeness for a while, before nodding. He took Bucky’s hand letting him lead them both back to the bedroom.

It wasn’t long before Bucky was curled in on himself again and Steve was lying on his side, watching him. Steve ached to put his arms around him; assure him that no one would ever hurt him again. He couldn’t. He knew what Bucky had been through and that he needed time. Even getting to where they were now had been a long road and Steve knew they still had a long way to go.

“Will you hold me?” Bucky’s voice was quiet, almost frail and Steve froze. Only for a few seconds before he moved in. Wrapping his arm around Bucky, entangling their legs.

“Always,” he promised him, pressing a soft kiss to Bucky’s neck. “I didn’t think you wanted me too.”

“Why wouldn’t I want you too?” Bucky questioned, tilting his face to look up at Steve. The confusion was written all over both men’s faces, as Steve started to explain.

“I thought… when you have a bad nightmare, you always lie so far away when you return to bed,” Steve gently ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair, not wanting him to think he was blaming him.

“I thought you were sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you again,” Bucky blurted out. “I thought you were asleep. I wake you all the time and I didn’t want to wake you just because I needed you to hold me.”

Steve’s eyes widened as Bucky leaned up to press a soft kiss against his lips. “Steve. I don’t blame you for anything. And I will never not need you.”

“You got me,” Steve mumbled, burying his face in Bucky’s neck, pulling him impossibly closer.

“You can always wake me. Especially if it’s to cuddle,” Steve smiled against Bucky’s skin, loving how his body rumbled when he laughed.

“Duly noted,” Bucky grinned, before yawned and closing his eyes. It took a few moments longer before Steve drifted off, but he didn’t mind. Having Bucky in his arms, feeling him breathing so easily, was worth every second of lost sleep. He was safe and that was all that mattered to Steve in the end.


End file.
